Two wolves

Native American wisdom speaks volumes to all of us ...

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

Happy Easter to POTUS, please stop the drones

http://youtu.be/FkddrkzDg3I

Facing the possibility of death sooner than I expected

and how I plan to cope...

So, dear F(friends) and family,

My chronic leukemia has transformed into an aggressive lymphoma with a variable prognosis. Depending on how the chemotherapy I just started works and if I go through a stem cell transplant afterward I could have as little as 4 months to live or as much as several more years. Details on my condition are on my blog My CLLTrail.

So what does death mean to me, a Quaker with more recent tendencies to Buddhism?

For all humans when life is cut shirt there is to be expected a fear and dread of  loss of things we were planning to accomplish and  losing contact with still living loved ones. Another loss for me, less than 3 years from retirement, would be the chance to enjoy a few years of doing something other than my usual work (20 years pediatric practice, 10 years of online medical education), like travel, try writing a novel, etc.

Thinking about death leads me to ask myself what I really believe about God, the soul, and afterlife.

Do I believe in God ? Yes but not the Judeo-Christian Great White Father on his heavenly throne, nor the pagan Mother Earth. Rather an underlying Spirit, more like a life force. Here is where my biomedical training comes in; I really like the concept of biocentrism, more a scientific theory than a spiritual stance, which combines physics and biology and states that life created the universe, not the reverse. 

But other than a wonder at the complexity of life and the unlikelihood of it, and those moments in solitary meditation and prayer as well as in Friend's meetings for worship, when there is a real nonverbal experience of that Spirit, the Inner Light (read here and here if you are not familiar with Quaker "theology"), I often tend toward agnostic thinking. My science background and just going through life, forgetting about God/Spirit seem to be responsible for these frequent lapses, probably many humans do this. And of course, all the hypocrisy and violence of "religious people" - Jews,  Christians and Muslims in today's world. The Right to Life but wars OK crowd and the jihadists....

Do we have souls that live on after our biological death? Does the existence of God necessarily predispose to souls and immortality? Perhaps not. One of my coping mechanisms for dealing with death is to do this Yale open online course, PHIL 176: Death. 

Then there is the "science" of near-death experiences, the light at the end of the tunnel that people experience. I may do some more reading on this, but as a physician I am skeptical about these episodes confirming the presence of an after-life, could it not just be the effect of low oxygen on the brain?  A bit more intriguing and on my future reading list, is the story about the near after-life experiences of the neurosurgeon, Dr Eben Alexander, who after coming down with meningitis, experienced what sounds like heaven. I am still skeptical though because hallucinations are certainly symptoms that can be seen in meningitis!

But my increasing interest in Buddhism and mindfulness meditation may be the real key for me. If there is to come an afterlife I do think I prefer the idea of multiple reincarnations, landing where karma from the recent life may lead...

Mindfulness meditation based on Buddhism has been used quite successfully in many areas of medicine and also have helped terminal patients face death. From a pre-publication chapter on  Mindfulness for Cancer and Terminal Illness, comes some helpful direction.

In this chapter, mindfulness is defined as "the awareness that arises through intentionally attending in an open, caring, and nonjudgmental way. This definition was meant to take into account mindfulness as both a way of being in the world and as a process or practice."  Here are the ideas behind the apparent success of this program:

The question remains: Why would mindfulness ... as described above, be especially helpful to people coping with cancer?  As it turns out, many of the issues cancer patients face are best dealt with through approaches that emphasize acceptance and awareness, as well as non-attachment.  Non-attachment arises from an understanding of impermanence, the constantly changing nature of all things.  With an understanding of impermanence, patients are able to loosen their stranglehold on needing things to be or stay a certain way, or needing to know exactly the outcomes of their treatments and their prognosis for the future. With a more present-moment stance and through the practice of seeing things clearly as they are, simply allowing acceptance of circumstances, patients are able to stop struggling with questions of “why” And simply dwell in the “what” of each moment.  Worry often arises from questions around the future – these can be attenuated through focus on the present-moment and learning to allow events to unfold moment-by-moment.

Guided meditation holding thoughts of loving kindness has great appeal. From  Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death comes some examples of such phrases held in contemplation during meditation:

“May the power of loving kindness sustain me.”

“May I be peaceful in body and mind.”

“May I receive other’s love and compassion.”

“May all those I leave behind be safe and peaceful.”

“May I be free from suffering.”

“May I be free from fear.”

“May I accept my pain, knowing that I am not my pain, not my body, not my illness.”

“May I accept my suffering, knowing it does not make me bad or wrong.”

“May I accept my anger, fear and sadness, knowing that my heart is not limited by them.”

“May I remain in peace, and let go of expectations.”

“ I ask forgiveness from those whom I have harmed.”

“ I freely forgive all those who have harmed me.”

“ I forgive myself for mistakes made and things left undone.”

“May I remember my consciousness is much vaster than this body, as I let go of this body.”

“May I open to the unknown, as I leave behind the known.” 

“May I, and all beings, live and die peacefully.

Great stuff, methinks!

So I plan to read more on this approach, both the clinical mindfulness approach and some Buddhist texts, as I keep working on this form of meditation. I expect these to be very helpful no matter how much time I have left.....

Most importantly I have to be grateful for each day I have, no matter how I feel, no matter the weather, no matter whether at work or play....and keep up my prayer and meditation practice almost compulsively

Try to live each day in complete mindfulness, and expect the rest of my life to be a real adventure to savored.

Giving thanks: classic American gluttony or sacred ritual?

On this beautiful Thanksgiving morn, amid family visitors, bustling food preparation, classic Tday television I can't help but reflect on the true meaning of this day. Many might say that the only legitimate prayer is one of thanks and gratitude; prayers of petition for example always confuse me - if we are to do the will of our supreme being where do we come off asking for another outcome....But even those in a state of misery can give thanks, there is always some thing to be thankful for, if only for the day...

At any rate I love the way "thank you" is said in other languages: merci, danke schön, gracias, and many more. My favorite is the Lakota "pilamaya". We humans have much to be thankful for and many errors to correct - here I am thinking of how we have screwed up our planet, but today I am thankful we still have a planet...

Yesterday when I was grabbing some last minute groceries at the Shop Wrong along with throngs of obese/overweight others filling cartloads of crappy processed food the word GLUTTONY came to mind. Abhorrent in light of pockets of famine worldwide. But my family will cook our organic free range turkey with all sides prepared from equally organic veggies and breads (not to mention gravy made with an imported beer first brewed in the 13th century at a European monastery), not our batch, though..) are only different by degree...snobbish foodies perhaps but all yearning for taste and that ense of fullness.

But breaking bread with family annd friends is a sacred act...in many religions, many social settings. As this excerpt from  a Catholic blog states:

"Sharing a meal: That’s how so many people of faith know and experience God. It has been that way for thousands of years. We come together as people of faith and we tell stories and recall history; we ritualize and make sacred our food and drink. We make a meal the fullest and most eloquent encounter with Divinity. We feast on, and are nourished by, God’s love. There doesn’t have to be a lot of theology around it. The philosophical constructs and intellectual categories used to explain how a meal can be holy are almost pointless. For most of us, it is crystal clear. All one needs to do is watch a young couple in love sharing a romantic dinner, or see an elderly couple gaze at each other across the table at their anniversary and you will know you are on holy ground. Observe a family enjoying a child’s birthday celebration at a local pizza parlor; hear the laughter and see the smiles and you sense something good, something spiritual about it all. More often than we realize, our meals are encounters with God. The act of eating and sustaining our bodies cannot be separated from our spirits. The biblical authors knew this well and constantly remind us that our meals are spiritual. Our food and drink have consequences."

All our meals are spiritual...indeed with the correct perspective all our life is sacred. This feeling of spiritual rightness is multiplied manifold when more of us gather together for a holiday meal.

Occupy your (higher) Self. 100 %.

Occupy your heart.
Occupy the place where everything is connected.
Occupy your own rhythm.
Occupy compassion.
Occupy your creativity.
Occupy whatever is in front of you RIGHT NOW.

Occupy your feelings.
Occupy stillness.
Occupy the truth that you are good enough.
Occupy your physical body.
Occupy uncertainty.
Occupy the space in which you are never alone.

Occupy grace.

Occupy your OWN energy.
Occupy all points of view.
Occupy your intentions.
Occupy what makes you feel most alive.
Occupy your inner knowing.
Occupy a raindrop.

Occupy your dreams.
Occupy acceptance.
Occupy what needs to be said
Occupy sound and light and color and space.
Occupy a sense of purpose.
Occupy kindness.

(breathe now)
Occupy your breath.
Occupy this inhale.
Occupy this exhale.
(breathe now)

Occupy the space you are most afraid to occupy.
Occupy gentleness.
Occupy your relationships.
Occupy the ether and the deep ground.
Occupy your truth.
Occupy change.

Occupy your deepest passion.
Occupy forgiveness.
Occupy the divinity of all living things.
Occupy your word.
Occupy the unknown.
Occupy your readiness to heal.

Occupy silence.

Occupy whatever is downstream.
Occupy tranquility.
Occupy the understanding that there is always enough.
Occupy timelessness.
Occupy your power.
Occupy your seat on your journey Home.

Occupy the mind that recognizes these words.
Occupy the eyes that sees this grand vision.
Occupy the ears that hear this possibility
Occupy the mouth that speaks only light.
Occupy the hands that long to share.

Occupy the You that lives to love.

Occupy the moment.
Occupy gratitude.
Occupy joy.
Occupy your fear and transform it into love.
Occupy. The beat. Of Your. Wild heart.
Occupy NOW.

Occupy your (higher) Self. 100 %.

---- Peggy Fitzsimmons

(transcribed from the video posted at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/30/occupy-your-higher-self-video_n_1176664.html)

Should good pacifists (Friends) be fans of pro football and hockey?

Fellow members of the peace churches, I am in  a quandary. I love to watch professional football (American) and ice hockey.  But both sports have their violent tendencies whereby it is considered good form to tackle a football player carrying or catching the ball as hard as one can (hoping to dislodge the ball, perchance to knock them out of the game?) or smash a hockey player with the puck up against the boards to try to wrest the puck away.  Multiple concussions seem to be happening more and more even though the leagues have instituted many new rules. In football players are watched more closely if they suffer a first concussion, but there is evidence that many players hide their concussions so they can keep playing.  Multiple concussions close together can be fatal and over time the syndrome of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) which leads to a dementia state not that different from Alzheimers. Recently there have been lawsuits by formal NFL players against the league for allegedly hiding and/or ignoring evidence for CTE.

As for hockey, in addition to the inherent violence in the sport with speedy heavy players skating on ice and slapping hard rubber pucks at the goal and each other, there is fighting. Not allowed in collegiate or international/Olympic hockey, but very big in junior and minor league hockey as well as the NHL (major league).  A recent series in the NY Times highlighted the story of Derek Boogaard, a hockey enforcer, who sustained multiple concussions over six NHL seasons and many junior and minor league seasons as well. He died of an overdose but was showing clear signs of an encephalopathy along with his addiction. His brain at autopsy showed clear evidence of CTE.

To glorify violence and be a non-violent person who abhors all war is quite philosophically inconsistent. I love pro sports perhaps because I am still a boy at heart, I don't know....but I am having to seek clearness on this for myself.

But the fighting is too much. These sports are dangerous enough. I say maybe fans should boycott NHL until they outlaw fighting and continue to call for good referee calls of excessive force in the NFL.

Wall Street protestors have a great role model....